Life

Posted on by alizeandmaria

Hello there!!!

I know I’ve been MIA for awhile but life has honestly gotten so busy that i forgot to write things down.  I started a new job as a cake decorator and tbh its been a struggle i don’t think I am meant to do that job. But hey its a job and I need money it keeps me on my toes! Ive had rough patches here and there where I don’t know what I am meant to do with life. I honestly think I’m have a mid-mid life crisis. Is that even a thing?? Well I am making it a thing!!! Ive been working early mornings and Ive been sleeping so much that I honestly have no time for anything. I feel bad I don’t see my best friend as much as i use to. I rarely see my girlfriend its a struggle but I need to get a routine going.

Ive realized how much i actually matured! When i reached out to someone who was not in the best place possible. We left on bad terms but I decided to be a bigger person and reach out because no one should go through that. I decided to put my pride aside and you know try to be nice. That person didn’t reply but at least I know i tired. Everything happens for a reason maybe it wasn’t meant for us to be friends anymore. Oh well. Life goes on I’ve learned that .

Ill try to post more but sometimes i don’t even know what to write about. I feel like I’m so boring and no one cares! I am just someone who’s trying to make it out in this world.

-M

 

Coming out

Posted on by alizeandmaria

About 3 years ago I decided that I was no longer going to hide my true self to those around me. I had told my closest friends that I liked girls. Some of them handled it pretty well and i got lots of love and support from them! My life long friend who’ve i’ve known since I was in diapers said she always knew I was. She was the most accepting and loving of them all. I also had a “friend” who wasn’t as accepting as the others. I say friend in quotes because ever since I came out to that person we started to drift apart. It made realized who my real friends were. 

The hardest thing to deal with is knowing that not everyone accepts who you are. It took so long for me to truly accept who I really was and to stop hiding in what is considered “normal”.  I’ve spent a lot of sleepless nights wishing I wasn’t the way I was. But one day I came to the realization that i was made this way for a reason. I didn’t wake up one day and was like im gonna like girls from now on. No I have always known since I was about 7 years old that I liked girls and I thought I wasn’t normal like everyone else. I fought for years to trying to change myself and make myself “better”. 

Now that i have a total of like 3 friends i’ve realized that, that’s all i need. They love me for who i am. No matter what my sexual orientation is. They are always there for the good the bad and the ugly. I will forever be thankful for them because without them i’d go crazy. 

Now the most difficult part and the one i’m dreading the most is telling my dad. My brother knows I like girls and he doesn’t quite understand what that means. But he loves me for who I am. He says i’ll always be his sister no matter what. I love him for that he’s always there for me. no matter how big our age gap is he’s my best friend who knows so much about me. He might not understand it all but he tries. 

My mom, where do I begin I love that women to death. She had the hardest pregnancy with me. But we don’t see eye to eye. She is one hell of a women! I love her but she’s not very supporting . She brushes things off her shoulder she pretends that the little detail I told her doesn’t exist. She has a lot of friends in the LGBTQ community, which is why I thought she’d be the most supportive. But she was the complete opposite. She offers advice to her friends who come out to their parents. But she doesn’t do the same with her own daughter. It hurts me to know she doesn’t accept who I really am. But I hope one day she will. 

Oh yeah and my dad you ask? He doesn’t know yet…

The hardest part is yet to come…

Struggles

Posted on by alizeandmaria

I know no ones perfect and i’m far from it. I also know that everyone has their own issues and struggles on a daily. It might sound like i’m complain or that i’m being selfish. But sometimes you have to stop and think about yourself because not everyone is going to stop and think about you. It’s hard to put yourself first when you want all the people around you to be happy. Sometimes I just want to shut everyone out and think about myself for once.

It’s okay to be selfish every once in a while. But it’s also okay to care about others that you love. You just have to find balance between the two. Just know everyone is going through struggles on a day to day basis. You might be having issues at home, work, school , etc. But don’t think you are alone we all have issues it’s just that sometimes we are too wrapped up in our own life that we don’t notice.

Sometimes I feel like when I want to talk about my problems to someone I can’t. Not because my friends or my girlfriend don’t care. It’s just simply because I feel like my issues aren’t as bad as there’s. I feel bad, I feel like i’m complaining to them when then have much more going on in their life than I do. But sometimes I wish they’d just ask me if Im okay?  I put up this front that i’m happy and doing great all the time. But half the time I don’t even know what’s going on in my own head.

Sometimes when it’s late at night I have to take a step back and take a deep breathe and relax. I have to remember that everything will be okay eventually.  I go through stages where I don’t sleep at all and then I have stages where all I do is sleep. It weird because I want to talk to my friends and my girlfriend but i’m the problem. I stop myself from reaching out and talking to them. I much rather know what’s going on in their life. It’s just the type of person I am no matter what i’ve gone through in life I will always love the people closest to me.

I forget sometimes how much they truly care and when I do open up to them I get nothing but love and support from my loved ones. Specially my girlfriend I don’t know where’d I be in life without her. She’s the one who keeps me sane the one who gets me going. I honestly feel that if I never met her I wouldn’t have a purpose in this world. As weird as that sounds but she taught me how to live and how to love. I was a lost soul without her trying to find out what I wanted and who I was. She’s showed me that if someone really loves you they’ll love you and all the “flaws” you may have. “Flaws” aren’t really flaws to the person who truly loves you because they see you as perfect. If you don’t think you are perfect just remember someone out there finds you perfect just the way you are.

M

My happy place

Posted on by alizeandmaria

Whenever I feel like life’s taking me down or I cant handle it anymore all I need is a trip to the beach. It’s my happy places it relaxes me and it lets me get away from reality for a bit. Even though after I know I have to go back to my regular life. When I was younger my dad use to take me and I was such a wild child I would go as far as I could go into the ocean because I hoped that the mermaids would take me away. Lol!

Once I started to learn how to drive on my own I would go to the beach by myself at least once a week. I would be that lame person at the beach reading a book or just lay down and take a small catnap. Its always has  been a place I could get away from reality. When things get to rough in my life the beach is where you’ll find me.

Its one of the most beautiful places anyone can go to. I don’t care what anyway says, the beach is so amazingly beautiful I could stare at it all day. Just standing along the shore where the water can touch your toes and just hear the waves is the most relaxing thing on this planet. At least it is to me, I know not everyone has my same opinion. Even just sitting on a blanket with the sun warming up your body as you read a good book is the best feeling.

Whats even better than all that is going to the beach with the love of your life and sharing all those things with them. It truly saddens me when I see a group of friends that look forced or annoyed to be there. The ocean and the sand don’t deserve that they deserve nothing but love. All my good memories and great laughs are at the beach. I only like going to the beach with my closest friend that love it as much as I do. I truly am jealous of all the people who have house by the beach. They are so lucky to be able to be a walking distance from the ocean,

I remember when I first started dating alize she told me she didn’t like the beach and to be honest I almost broke up with her because of it. As mean as that sounds like I cant imagine being with someone who doesn’t love the beach as much as I do. But I didn’t break up with her as you may have noticed, Lol!! She said she give it a second chance for me and well lets just say she might like the beach a little more than me. That truly warms my heart so much. We both like to just sit there and watch the waves, or even just walk along the shore and get our feet wet and just talk about life. Im so happy I found someone who loves the beach.

I really hope that one day when I get older ill be able to buy a house by the beach. That would honestly be my dream, actually it is my dream.  I give anything to be at the beach 24/7, I love it that much. Honestly my depression gets so bad that the beach doesn’t always help. Sometimes I have to just be at the beach and just imagine my life without the beach. Then I realize how lucky I really am that it’s only a 35 minute drive from where I live.

Sometimes my depression really gets to me that I try to crush my happy place. I think of all the worst scenarios that could happen to me while I’m there. But to be honest I have to snap myself out of it. I cant think negative of my happy place. My depression use to get so bad that I wouldn’t even want to drive to the beach.

Im working on it on a daily just to get better. It’s a work in progress but in the meantime I know the sand and the ocean is always waiting for me with open arms.

M

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